This is my last night.

•February 10, 2011 • Leave a Comment

Tonight’s the last night before i leave for Brisbane. I’ve enjoyed myself the past couple of months.

I’m thrilled that i’m leaving tomorrow.  Really am. I’m writing this because i wanna make sure this comes across and not get messed up with the cocktail of euphoria and sadness of leaving.

Friends, i don’t know what to say or what to do to make you feel more important to me, but you are. I wish for the best in your lives; in love, studies, career, everything. I don’t know what the future might bring for all of us from here on, but i know this is the point on the time line where we starting fighting for the things we love, and the time when we make our lives worth living. This is the time to give life your best shot. Never mind the past mistakes and victories, the past is irrelevant to your control of now and the future. Do what you want. Nothing can stop you. I hope i will lead a beautiful life just as you guys will i’m sure.

Leaving Singapore for uni is an opportunity i cannot give up. While it’s not my dream to study overseas, i think i will regret deeply if i’ve chosen to stay in Singapore and stuck with the comforts of familiarity and the local education. I wanna see the world while i can, and meet all the different people from all over and live our lives on a broader playing field. And above all, after serving ns, there’s been an ever-growing sense of rootlessness to living in Singapore. It’s deeply ironic. Sure, my family and friends are here and i don’t wanna take any love away from them, but just look at the proportion of change this past couple of years. I don’t recognize half the places i used to frequent; my favourite hawkers retire, their sons becoming real estate agents; where my favourite bowling centre was is now a billion dollar tourist attraction. I understand the need for change; to stay ahead of the curve; to remain competitive, blah blah blah. But hey, it’s becoming far too meaningless for me.

My next phase begins after tomorrow. While i leave with a heavy heavy heart, do know that it is so because it’s full of the wonderful memories that i’ve kept with me thus far. Thank you!

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Happy 2011!

•January 1, 2011 • Leave a Comment

I must confess, i’m pretty glad 2010 passed the way it did –  swift and unfeelingly – just the way i’ve hoped. I’m a free man for a month now, and it’s been awesome. I’ve never felt this free in my life before, and it’s the best dope in the world. Sure, some days it’s lonely and sad, like being stuck at home on new year’s eve watching Black Swan (of course i downloaded) wasn’t the most memorable change of year i’ve had, but nonetheless having no school or work to return to 2 days later sure feels great. Of course, this illusion of greatness does stem from the fact that the rest of the civil world do have work and books to return their lazy asses to, as compared to my increasingly perpetual reluctance to even wake every morning.

2010’s probably the final lap of  the plateauing, or at least, i really hope it is. I’m tired of it. 2 years of army, as much as i wanted to preserve what i was when before i enlisted, i’m much changed. I still hate the army, it is the worst organisation i’ve ever come under of, and the experience was bitter-sweet at best. Little good times, and many many bad times.

And really, EVERYONE has moved on in their lives. Every single one. I love my friends to their last toe nail, more than any oldie love song can sing of(i have my sincerity issues.. i know), but everyone of them has moved on so long ago, and the part i play in their beautiful lives become smaller and smaller. It’s a struggle, but i’ve made peace with that. My only consolation that i have to convince myself, was to just wait it out. Wait till 2011. And suddenly, it’s right here already; this is the year to grab life by the steering wheel. I’ve waited for way too long, i should care less. Ultimately, it is my life that i need to live, at this juncture of things at least.

Another 40 odd days left before i leave for Australia. As they say, it’s a bloody mixed bag of feelings.

I feel i’ve said to much already, for a customary new year post.

Resolutions: hope life turns around from hereupon; be a better son/friend/driver/whatever-i-am-and-will-be, and love to live and live to love. Fuck, i’m corny as hell(but good job on refraining from swearing till the end).

Happy 2011 everyone!

ORD LOH!

•November 29, 2010 • Leave a Comment

10 more days:

•November 21, 2010 • Leave a Comment

But it’s just the price I pay
Destiny is calling me
Open up my eager eyes
‘Cause I’m Mr Brightside

50 more days:

•October 13, 2010 • Leave a Comment

50 more days:

Till i face a changed world.

We’re so essential, yet trivial in being part of this unstoppable change. These 2 years in the army meant close to nothing to me. It’s just a prolonged skip-a-turn roll on the dice, and i’m more like an observer of the game of life. It’s scary just to see entire landscapes change beyond recognition; people growing out of their skins; how hopes become dreams and dreams become forgotten. I’m more than ever a – cynical, judgemental, selfish, uncaring, fearful and angry person. I thought army was supposed to help us do good? I’ve not learnt much to be a better man than to be a better dog.

Pulling bedsheets, not moving in a file, fitness tests, polishing boots and knocking it down, will never ever save us a life; will never ever change the world. Frankly, we all know there is no real fight to begin with. It’s but a badly staged play.

“And the rest is history” will never hold as much meaning to me as it will be on 02/12/2010, that is the only surety in these free-changing times.

Under great white northern lights

•October 10, 2010 • Leave a Comment

Just finished The White Stripes’ Under Great White Northern Lights.

I’m a fan, now.

•October 2, 2010 • Leave a Comment

“The one thing I want for everybody in this crowd, going forward in their life. Just think about it, just think about it. And I just gotta get this out tonight. Think about how much energy you’re using on criticizing yourself, before anybody else criticizes you. Just think about how much energy, before you leave the house. Think of how many words you’re using in someone else’s voice. When you tell yourself, you’re not good enough. Just think about putting an outfit on before you leave the house and some other voice in your head, you assuming the role of some critic. Saying that looks ugly, or you’re too fat, or you don’t look good enough. That is all wasted energy, and it’s coming from here. And I just wanna use this song for one second. I don’t mean to be corny. Just take all that energy that you are using to assume that it’s not good enough, or it’s not fast enough, or it’s not strong enough, or you’re not cute enough. And just use that all for love. Just use it all for loving yourself. ‘Cause I love you, and I love looking out at you, and I believe in each and every one of you, like I believe in myself. And it’s easier said than done, but if you put on a dress before you leave, ladies, and you like it, just walk out the door in it. And if anybody tells you that they don’t like that dress just look at them and go, “Well I love it.” And guys, if you try a new pair of shoes, or some slacks that are too tight, and you look in the mirror and go, “These are too tight”— if you like them, just wear them. We’re living in a world right now where there is just too much energy spent on criticizing ourselves, before anybody ever said a word to us. And I just want to put that back, and to, like, take that energy and use it for the right stuff. Take that energy and use it for loving yourself, and loving everybody else. There is just too much self-hatred going on. I do it to myself all the time. I’m on the phone to the therapist like four times a week trying to stop it. And I’m gonna stop it, if you guys stop it. So let’s just love ourselves, and each other. You know what I’m saying? No more self-hatred. Just love yourself. If you throw it on, and you like it. Like it. Stand up for yourself. ‘Cause as soon as you tell someone else you like it. They’ll tell you they like it, too. Because everybody is a wimp. Anybody who criticizes you is a wimp. So be you. And be you loud, and be you strong, and be you to the maximum. That’s all it is in this world baby.”